Sssshhhhh ...

You remember that I was having a German houseguest?

And you remember that I was a little nervous about it?

I am, by nature, a solitary creature. I wallow in being a bit antisocial. The whole German-stranger-in-the-house-for-two-weeks thing was a terrible mistake.

Anyway, she has been, and stayed, and now has left and gone home.

For two weeks, there has been someone here when I've got home in the evening, and someone asleep in the next room when I've woken up in the morning. For two weeks, I've tiptoed out in the mornings, and rushed home in the evenings. For two weeks someone has been eating out of my fridge and using my shampoo. For two weeks, the TV has hardly been switched on to make room instead for language non-specific music. For two weeks two phones, two laptops have jostled for time at the charger, and two people have jostled for time in the bathroom.

For two weeks, a person in my house with limited language skills has asked me to explain what words mean. Really. Try explaining "congestion" without saying, "it's when something's congested." It's tricky. Try explaining what the word, "tainted" (context: Tainted Love by Soft Cell) means. And the meaning of the phrase, "Bob's your uncle," was lost entirely.

And another thing. How do you describe Marmite? Or crumpets? Or The Proms? Or bonfire night? How do you explain why Gordon Brown does that thing with his mouth when he talks? Or why the Duke of Norfolk lives in Sussex and the Duke of Westminster lives in Cheshire?

All things considered, I have been looking forward to tonight, and to having my home back, my telly on, my phone charging, my choice of words unquestioned, and to being able to go to the loo with the door open (as is my wont). Don't get me wrong - she's a sweet girl and all, but she has been a sweet girl living in my house. A cockoo in my nest, if you will. And it has vexed me to have to compromise my life and my routine and my antisocial selfish ways for her.

So tell me, then, why does the house seem so very empty tonight? Why is it that the silence of the house is screaming at me? And why do the rooms seem so big? And why am I still locking the bathroom door?