The Adventures of the Invisible Woman

Today the Invisible Woman went shopping. She needed something fabulous to wear for a wedding next weekend, which she ought to have thought about before now. She decided to go to Westfield.

She left the house and set off to walk to the station. Half way there, four workmen stepped onto the path blocking her way.

"Not to worry," thought the Invisible Woman. "I am six feet tall and of not-delicate proportions. They will see me coming and step aside." (The Invisible Woman had forgotten that she was invisible). When she got to the workmen, she said, "excuse me please," which confused them, causing them all to look around to see where the voice had come from. Not being able to see anyone near by, they didn't move, so the Invisible Woman had to squeeeeeeeeze between them and their big mucky van, and then go on her way.

When she got to the station there were people using the two ticket machines, so she waited for them to finish. As one of them came available, another lady came from nowhere and stepped in front of the Invisible Woman. The Invisible Woman said, "erm ..." but the lady hadn't seen her, and was in a rush, so she carried on, and the Invisible Woman had to wait to buy her ticket, then to hurry for the train.

The train was quite busy, but there was a seat that a man had put his bag down on. The Invisible Woman asked if he would mind moving his bag, but he didn't hear her. She asked again, but he still didn't hear her. Then another seat came available so the Invisible Woman sat there instead.

She got to Westfield with a spring in her invisible step and a feeling of optimism about the shopping day ahead. Into the centre she went, and headed for ladieswear!

She drifted in an out of shops, but no-one saw her. Shop assistants stood in front of her, or cut across in front of her making her have to stop and let them through. Other shoppers also pushed in front, then ambled, slowly, in front of her, oblivious of the fact that the Invisible Woman wanted to get moving.

(Unfortunately, when the Invisible Woman tried on wedding outfits, and looked in the mirror, she noticed that her lumpy and ripply bits weren't invisible, which was a shame).

In and out of shops and changing rooms she went, and, whilst she was enjoying a day of her own company, and her own thoughts, she was a little bit sad that no-one could see her.

Finally, having tried on what seemed like fifty or sixty outfits, she found a dress that she liked, and headed for the tills, feeling triumphant.

At the tills there was one lady already being served, and there were three members of staff having a conversation. The Invisible Woman tried to catch the eye of one of the chattering staff, but of course they didn't know she was there, so no-one came to take her money (which by now, was burning a hole in her invisible pocket). It crossed her mind that, if she was invisible, she could probably walk out of the shop with the goodies in her hand, but the Invisible Woman does have some scruples, so she waited for the only member of staff who could see her, and paid for her new frock (new shoes, new bag, new cardigan, new other dress (just in case)).

On her way out of the shop, the Invisible Woman was walking between clothes rails, when a man stepped in front of her, and put several large shopping bags down in her path, whilst his wife tried on a coat.

The invisible red mist came down, and the Invisible Woman went crazy. She threw her new purchases on the floor, the better to jump up and down on the man's bags, and then, for good measure, on the man. As she did so, she screeched and screamed, "why can't any of you see me? I'm right here, and I've been fricking invisible all sodding day!" and tore at her clothes. She then did two laps of the shop, stark naked, calling out, "can you see me now? Eh? Can you? CAN YOU?!" before putting her clothes back on, picking up her shopping, and calmly heading back to the train station.*

The Invisible Woman in now at home with a cup of tea and the biscuit tin, too tired from a day of hardcore shopping to cook anything nutritious for dinner. She thinks that she might have the energy to get the giant bag of doritos out of the kitchen. She's thinking, "what the hell. If I'm invisible, I might as well be chubby and happy." Don't judge her.

* This bit didn't really happen, but in the film of the Invisible Woman's life, when she's played by Angelina Jolie's more attractive younger sister, it will.