Wednesday, 2 December 2009

The Adventures of the Invisible Woman

Today the Invisible Woman went shopping. She needed something fabulous to wear for a wedding next weekend, which she ought to have thought about before now. She decided to go to Westfield.

She left the house and set off to walk to the station. Half way there, four workmen stepped onto the path blocking her way.

"Not to worry," thought the Invisible Woman. "I am six feet tall and of not-delicate proportions. They will see me coming and step aside." (The Invisible Woman had forgotten that she was invisible). When she got to the workmen, she said, "excuse me please," which confused them, causing them all to look around to see where the voice had come from. Not being able to see anyone near by, they didn't move, so the Invisible Woman had to squeeeeeeeeze between them and their big mucky van, and then go on her way.

When she got to the station there were people using the two ticket machines, so she waited for them to finish. As one of them came available, another lady came from nowhere and stepped in front of the Invisible Woman. The Invisible Woman said, "erm ..." but the lady hadn't seen her, and was in a rush, so she carried on, and the Invisible Woman had to wait to buy her ticket, then to hurry for the train.

The train was quite busy, but there was a seat that a man had put his bag down on. The Invisible Woman asked if he would mind moving his bag, but he didn't hear her. She asked again, but he still didn't hear her. Then another seat came available so the Invisible Woman sat there instead.

She got to Westfield with a spring in her invisible step and a feeling of optimism about the shopping day ahead. Into the centre she went, and headed for ladieswear!

She drifted in an out of shops, but no-one saw her. Shop assistants stood in front of her, or cut across in front of her making her have to stop and let them through. Other shoppers also pushed in front, then ambled, slowly, in front of her, oblivious of the fact that the Invisible Woman wanted to get moving.

(Unfortunately, when the Invisible Woman tried on wedding outfits, and looked in the mirror, she noticed that her lumpy and ripply bits weren't invisible, which was a shame).

In and out of shops and changing rooms she went, and, whilst she was enjoying a day of her own company, and her own thoughts, she was a little bit sad that no-one could see her.

Finally, having tried on what seemed like fifty or sixty outfits, she found a dress that she liked, and headed for the tills, feeling triumphant.

At the tills there was one lady already being served, and there were three members of staff having a conversation. The Invisible Woman tried to catch the eye of one of the chattering staff, but of course they didn't know she was there, so no-one came to take her money (which by now, was burning a hole in her invisible pocket). It crossed her mind that, if she was invisible, she could probably walk out of the shop with the goodies in her hand, but the Invisible Woman does have some scruples, so she waited for the only member of staff who could see her, and paid for her new frock (new shoes, new bag, new cardigan, new other dress (just in case)).

On her way out of the shop, the Invisible Woman was walking between clothes rails, when a man stepped in front of her, and put several large shopping bags down in her path, whilst his wife tried on a coat.

The invisible red mist came down, and the Invisible Woman went crazy. She threw her new purchases on the floor, the better to jump up and down on the man's bags, and then, for good measure, on the man. As she did so, she screeched and screamed, "why can't any of you see me? I'm right here, and I've been fricking invisible all sodding day!" and tore at her clothes. She then did two laps of the shop, stark naked, calling out, "can you see me now? Eh? Can you? CAN YOU?!" before putting her clothes back on, picking up her shopping, and calmly heading back to the train station.*

The Invisible Woman in now at home with a cup of tea and the biscuit tin, too tired from a day of hardcore shopping to cook anything nutritious for dinner. She thinks that she might have the energy to get the giant bag of doritos out of the kitchen. She's thinking, "what the hell. If I'm invisible, I might as well be chubby and happy." Don't judge her.

* This bit didn't really happen, but in the film of the Invisible Woman's life, when she's played by Angelina Jolie's more attractive younger sister, it will.


  1. I enjoyed your very visible post.

  2. Brilliant!

    I do feel that shop assistants these days don't step aside and let customers through like they used to in my day (a mere 15 years ago, when I was a shop worker before I got myself a career and all that).

    Hope your dress makes you all lovely and visible.

  3. Excuse me, DORITOS? What flavour? Can I come round. I can be there in oh....24 hours. I'll bring cake.

    I really hate clothes shopping. I'd enjoy it if only the high street would close down for me and let me shop solo. Otherwise I get irritated. And I'm of a very mellow disposition normally, so this proves that shopping for clothes is an inflammatory practice. I trust your dress is stunning though?

    I'm shooting hate glances at the treadmill and thinking I might just buy a kaftan and eat cake till I explode.

  4. I see what you did there. And I'm liking it.

    I'm blaming you for the fact that I had tortilla chips this evening though. Invisible or not you still have the power of suggestion.

  5. Kate - thank you!
    BL - I would like to plough through the shop shouting "I'm the customer, and I'm always right".
    VA - come on over! We can ignore the treadmill together. It's easier with company.
    MLS - You see what I did? But I am the invisible woman! Your tortilla weakness is nothing to do with me.

  6. Sometimes it feels really nice to be invisible too...

  7. I frequently have that feeling of invisibility. Next time I think I will just walk out of the shop without paying for stuff and see what happens.

  8. I can't wait for the film.

    We had a similar day in John Lewis today. One transaction, three members of staff, not one of whom actually seemed to give a jot. Don't worry, a letter is being compiled!

    Do the dresses look beeeyooooootiful? (Of course they do)

  9. MB - You're right, of course. But I still want to smack the knees of shop staff who give me bad service!

    LKSN - Do let us know how you get on! (Do they have the internet in prison, I wonder?)

    L - Please can you forward me your letter so that I can substitute the words "John Lewis" with "Middle England's Favourite Department Store". Thanks!

  10. can I come shopping with you too? We could cause such 'invisible' havoc - what fun! I need something fun like this right now!!


  11. You're not invisible - gad, I want to be there with your alter ego, running naked around Westfield. How very bloody dare they. Sniff. More details on the wedding knock out outfits, please!


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