But you don't want to hear about that. And I've been getting into a bit of a "this weekend" kind of a grove on a Sunday evening, so I think we should continue, setting aside the poo, and instead picking out some poo-less highlights.
And so we begin ...
1) I met up with some old colleagues after work on Thursday. They are from two jobs ago, but walking into the bar to meet them, it felt like no time had passed. We fell straight back into the old patter immediately. "I am a very important person." "Well ... fairly important".
2) Fridays are normally Tooting based, or for escaping the city entirely. But this weekend, I headed into the West End as a lady-wot-lunches. It's a rare treat to be a tourist in my own city, and to amble without purpose or timetable.
3) Lunch with my friend Abi was, as predicted, highly entertaining. She has been internet dating on E-Harmony (as seen on TV) but complained that no man they matched her with was attractive. "Abs, isn't that the site where they match you on a deeper level?" "Yeah, but bugger that!"
4) I stopped my drifting mid-afternoon to sit down for a cuppa. Casting my eye around the other customers in the coffee shop, I spotted a "lady" who must surely be a man. It's the wig that first gave it away (it was a tad skew-wiff), but the square jaw and lack of waist completes the look. But I realised, when looking at him (her?) I was really thinking, "I'd kill for legs like that."
5) The late morning train to Dorking involved changing twice, which was far less trouble than I feared. As I got off the train at Deepdene station my friend, who had travelled from Brighton, got off the same train and we discovered that we'd inadvertently done the last leg of the trip together.
6) We wandered into a dress shop, selling beautiful things that neither of us could afford. Part of the window display was a lovely carved hand mirror which I pointed out to my friend. The shop assistant says, "that's not our display. That's for sale." It's now hanging in my bathroom.
7) The sunny morning woke me up bright and early, and I was uncharacteristically keen to hop out of bed. After a spot of breakfast and a few chapters of a pleasingly trashy novel, I set to, blitzing the house, hoovering into all the corners, scrubbing the floors, wiping down every surface, and the house feels so much bigger for it.
8) A late Sunday lunch in the pub with friends. Roast beef, Yorkshire pudding, roast potatoes, red cabbage, carrots and ... the mystery vegetable (turnip, we thought. Or maybe celeriac. Or mashed parsnip. Or a combo of all three). A board on a shelf had a strange message on it, which no-one could understand. None of the staff even knew who Dave Legge was. But we all agreed that he's probably a bit big for his boots.
9) A pot of flowers was on the reduced counter in the supermarket, but I couldn't see why. A red primrose, some bright yellow narcissus, and a hyacinth waiting to burst, are now sitting on my kitchen windowsill bringing a bit of the springtime inside. I've already had my 99p worth!
10) I've promised banana cake to a colleague, who doesn't believe that it's the best cake in the world ever, ever, ever (the Nigella recipe from Domestic Goddess. I think it might be the ample measure of rum that does it ...). The house is full of a deliciously fuggy loveliness which is making me wish I hadn't promised it at all, but could keep it all to myself.